To be or..

I'm deciding that there is no other option to that statement.

Lately I've been in a funk that I just can't seem to kick. Depression maybe, I'm not sure. There are a lot of things going on with my health that I have no answers to (nothing serious, to my knowledge) and our lives are hanging in the balance between stability and possibly complete chaos - we're waiting to hear from WWU if Daniel was accepted or not. Depending on the outcome of that, we'll either be moving across the state, away from 90% of our friends and family, our church, etc, or staying here and Daniel will need to find a better job. I've lived here in this town for over 23 years, 17 or which were spent in the same house. We can safely say I'm not used to change. Daniel on the other hand has lived all over the world, though he's been in this area for over 15 years.

If we move, we'll be on a great adventure and I'm completely at peace with that. I have absolutely no doubt that God will continue to provide for us and take care of our needs just as He always has. That said, moving across the state will be quite a challenge on a tight income, with 2 little kids.

On the chance he doesn't get accepted, then we will be staying in town for at least awhile longer. We've discussed our options and he will either apply to CWU or he will try to get a better job around here, and if he does, we'll be able to start looking at buying a house (which, just makes my heart leap with excitement!)

God has been so faithful to us, we've been so incredibly blessed beyond anything we could ever imagine. I've been struggling lately in devotions and it has definitely taken a toll on my heart. The hope I have hasn't changed and I am still so deeply in love with my Savior, that is for sure. But I'm just having a much harder time dealing with somethings than I should. I am not really worried or doubtful about any of the big things in our life, but I can't be free of the frustration and depression that goes along with some of it.

Next week marks 28 months since we decided that we would completely give to God the decision for more children in our family. We both agreed that we really would like more and we didn't feel quite ok with me being on birth control (and there were lots of health issues with it so that just confirmed our decision) It was so exciting for the first few months, waiting and hoping to be pregnant. But slowly, the excitement faded and the depression set in. All my life I've known I wanted to be a mom. We have two incredible, beautiful, smart, amazing children and we want so much to add to our family. Not being able to conceive has created a cold place in my heart. I was angry for awhile. Doubtful. I think I'm to a place where I can be at peace if God only has our two children in His plans for us. I'm ok with that. Mostly. Deep down I still harbor some resentment, and wrongfully so. We don't know for sure if I can or cannot have more children. Physically, the doctors say that everything is healthy and I am just fine. But after 28 months and an early miscarriage, I'm not convinced. Its really difficult to watch all of my friends and family having kids. I am so excited for all of them and I finally come to the point where I could accept that maybe I couldn't have more children of my own, but that I could use my time to help those around me with all their lovely little ones. I still get a bit upset when I hear of another woman being pregnant, but God is healing me and teaching me in all of this and I am glad that I can be stretched and grown spiritually.

Through all of this, Daniel and I are growing in our relationship and working through the difficulties. I am so blessed to have such an incredible husband, who is so caring and loving to me and our kids. We're so blessed.

I'm not really sure about anything right now, whether its our living situation, schooling, jobs or kids. Once we hear if he's accepted or not, I will be applying to either BBCC or Whatcom CC. I really feel like school will help me feel more accomplished and adequate. I know that my adequacy comes only from the Lord, but I don't feel like I am living to His full potential for me without keeping myself healthy mentally, physically and spiritually. I haven't had any schooling since high school and I just really feel like I could be of much more use if my brain was in better working order.

Its all up in the air and we've released it to God. Its hard not to take it back and try to control it, but every time I try, I fail and am reminded that I cannot do it on my own. The past two years has been a bit crazy but good and I'm so excited for whatever is up next in God's plan for our lives.

I'm not quite sure the point of this blog, I think I just needed to get some of this out of my heart. My goal, my desire is 'to be' in whatever that means, To Be what God has created me to be and nothing else. I desire to be used by Him and I am working on allowing Him to refresh and renew my heart, mind, soul and strength.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16