my heart breaks

I sit here thinking to myself 'If SHE got up and did something instead of just telling us what we should do..', 'If HE just changed his attitude, more people would be saved..', 'If they would just grow up and stop choosing the world..'

What am I doing!? I am watching Oprah. My bible is sitting 4 feet away. 'I'll read it in a bit..'

When was the last time I asked how I could pray for someone? (maybe a few weeks ago, asking a friend who is a believer..) I don't ask my non-believing friends. I do try to throw in a 'faith' statement now and then to remind them I believe in God and that's why my life is better (even though I still have so many problems..) Sometimes I feel like the only reason I share my faith is to 'show off' how I have it all figured out. That isn't my intention, but honestly, it makes me stand a bit taller knowing that I have great wisdom to impart on the world.

It makes me so sad, looking into the world and seeing all the 'christians' doing such horrid things in the name of the Lord. How could anyone even think of cheating, hurting, lying to another person? How dare they act less than Christ-like? ..because they're human. What makes me sick is when I realize that the things in my heart are so often just as bad if not worse than the things I'm judging!

I have a list in my journal of names of people I love that either don't know Jesus or they did and have turned from Him. It is top to bottom, three columns across and some added in the top section of the page. Most of the people I have known for probably half my life, if not longer. I made the list over a year ago, so even the 'newest' names on it I have now known for at least a year. I have to admit, I do not pray for these people very often. I try to remember but I just really struggle with it. In the past year, I feel like I have failed Christ, by not bringing these people before Him every single day. He has been more than faithful despite my short-comings. I have seen at least 5 of those people turn back to Christ in the past few months. Some are really still struggling, but so am I. They are coming to church, they are questioning their beliefs (in a good way) and I can see their eyes opening and their hearts softening. Earlier this year on a particular Sunday morning during worship we happened to sit on the 'far side' of the sanctuary. People were slowly filtering in during worship and I looked over..my heart was in my throat! TWO of the people on my list walked in, not together, but at the same time when I looked up..these are two of the 'least likely' to return in my mind. We were also sitting with another person listed, back for the first time in a very long time. I could not contain my joy! I had never felt that sort of ..absolute happiness..ever. I can't even explain it. At that moment, God showed me His promise, His faithfulness to answer prayers, to never leave of forsake His children.

I don't know why I don't pray more often. It is something I struggle with, but I am learning the amazing power prayer holds. I think I have had more prayers answered this year than ever, or maybe I am just more aware of it.

God has blessed me with an incredible amount of compassion and I think sometimes I let it become more of a burden than a blessing. I get so overwhelmed by all the people that are lost..I tend to just give up. But God continues to be faithful and He keeps showing me that if I just draw near to Him, He draws near to me, and that is the only way I can be effective as a witness.